Getting the hump – or not

A MONSTER has been spotted in Windermere, England’s longest lake, by a couple of kayakers who work for an IT company. Despite their desperation to get out of the water, they managed to take a picture with a mobile phone. But worse is to come. Like winged predators from that ancient film where Raquel Welch wears a bear-skin bikini, the nationals swoop in their rapacious eagerness to determine exactly what the beast might be. The Telegraph’s Nick Collins opens his piece with this astute observation:

Tactless headline of the day (No 2)

IS it just me, or is the correlation between “ticked” and “bomber” in this Sun headline a little too vague to be of any consequence? Let’s have a quick look:

One small step for man . . .

THEY came from outer space – wearing great big shoes, apparently. The Sun, the Daily Telegraph and the Daily Mail have this story about military files being released in New Zealand and shining new light on the murky world of extraterrestrial beings. All three papers highlight the same tantalising information: an alien was seen wearing size 440 shoes. So just how big is a size 440 shoe . . . ?

Icy blasts from experts in warm offices

IN comfortable offices where the temperature hovers at 76F and the aroma of fresh coffee hangs in the air like the scent of hay on a May breeze, men and women who have never held a shovel in their hands are furiously hammering keyboards and pouring bile on the people who keep this country moving

UFOs seen north of t’ M25

FROM the Sun, which tells us the north of England has become the new hotspot for UFO sightings, November 9, 2010:

Antlers and deckers

THE big story of the week is the alleged shooting of Emperor – Britain’s largest wild animal – by hunters on Exmoor. But while most papers content themselves with the mystery of whether the stag has or hasn’t been shot, whether it is or isn’t a hoax, and whether it’s news or isn’t news because rich toffs shoot stags all the time, the Sun gives its readers what they really want – a picture of Emperor shagging . . .

Who you gonna call now?

THE phone rings. You pick it up and place it to your ear. There’s nothing there except a low hiss. So you replace the handset because you know that if you hang on you’ll hear a click, and a young man called Nigel will pronounce your name incorrectly and inquire if you’re having a nice day. Only it isn’t Nigel, the Sun tells us. It’s a ghost . . .

Something fishy . . .

IT’S not safe to go back in the water. According to the Sun, Britain’s coasts are awash with great white sharks. Tell us, Sun, just how awash our waters are with these brutal killers:

Nailed: another Jesus image

THE Daily Telegraph has another Jesus image story – this time it’s a telephone pole somewhere out in the wilds of the US. This year alone we’ve had more comings than we know what to do with. The story demands humour. But, this being the Telegraph, all we get is stony ground. The image was seen, according to the Telegraph, by Rickey Navarre, who said:

Das Jet . . .

HERE’S an interesting tale from the Sun that turns history on its head. Apparently the Germans were using jets during the Battle of Britain: