Getting the hump – or not

A MONSTER has been spotted in Windermere, England’s longest lake, by a couple of kayakers who work for an IT company. Despite their desperation to get out of the water, they managed to take a picture with a mobile phone. But worse is to come. Like winged predators from that ancient film where Raquel Welch wears a bear-skin bikini, the nationals swoop in their rapacious eagerness to determine exactly what the beast might be. The Telegraph’s Nick Collins opens his piece with this astute observation:

And what about Boris and Burt?

JUST when you thought it was safe to go back on the internet, the Daily Mirror and the Daily Telegraph devote yet more space to another Google doodle. This is the equivalent of publishing a weather story every time it rains in Stornaway. The Telegraph tells us:

Any porthole in a sand storm

NOT for the first time the nationals are infatuated with a Google doodle. For those unfamiliar with the phenomenon, this is when Google dresses up its trademark name with a different image for a certain length of time. It’s a bit like the queen wearing a new hat only not quite so interesting . . .

Fulitity – by Wilfred Owen

BASED on headlines in the Daily Mirror and on the STV website:

Icy blasts from experts in warm offices

IN comfortable offices where the temperature hovers at 76F and the aroma of fresh coffee hangs in the air like the scent of hay on a May breeze, men and women who have never held a shovel in their hands are furiously hammering keyboards and pouring bile on the people who keep this country moving

A bit of class

THE Daily Mirror’s advice to Kate Middleton on the announcement of her engagement to Prince William:

Right Round the Houses (No 17)

WELCOME once again to Right Round the Houses, our weekly spot where the nation’s columnists get a brief chance to make an argument as transparent and as flimsy as a pane of glass in Millbank Tower . . .

Most optimistic headline of the day

FROM the Daily Mirror, November 9, 2010:

Right Round the Houses (No 14)

WELCOME once more to Right Round the Houses, our weekly feature where the nation’s columnists run aground like rudderless submarines at Kyle of Lochalsh and launch stinging attacks like aircraftless aircraft carriers . . .

Pollsters? On yer bikes

THE Daily Mirror fills an empty slot with a totally useless poll that tells us millions of Britons can’t ride a bike. Why’s this, we wonder? It’s because they’ve never learnt, apparently. The Mirror continues: