A MONSTER has been spotted in Windermere, England’s longest lake, by a couple of kayakers who work for an IT company. Despite their desperation to get out of the water, they managed to take a picture with a mobile phone. But worse is to come. Like winged predators from that ancient film where Raquel Welch wears a bear-skin bikini, the nationals swoop in their rapacious eagerness to determine exactly what the beast might be. The Telegraph’s Nick Collins opens his piece with this astute observation:
The photograph, which shows an object with three humps breaching the surface of the lake, is said to be the best evidence yet of what some claim is a monster lurking beneath the depths.
Before we proceed, just take another glance at the photograph and count the humps. Careful now: one, two, three . . . er, four. That’s right. Four. The Telegraph’s lost a hump, which isn’t an easy thing to do. What does Paul Harris at the Daily Mail say?
The mist was swirling eerily over the lake. In the half light of morning the visibility was patchy, and the air had an unusual chill. Nothing stirred. All around was silence.
Yes, yes, yes, we get the picture, and a very sinister one it is you’ve painted. But how many humps does the monster have?
Three or four humps appeared, Loch Ness-like, near an islet.
Three or four? Let’s take another look at the picture. Four. Definitely four. Can Paul Byrne at the Daily Mirror count?
THESE four humps floating on the gloomy surface of a lake could be the first photograph of the Beast of Bowness.
Thank heavens for that. I thought I was seeing things. Now we’ve established that four humps are visible, what else can we determine about them? What does Richard Moriarty say at that font of scientific knowledge the Sun?
LOOMING from the deep, its back a cluster of snake-like humps – is this England’s answer to the Loch Ness Monster?
Thank you, but I’ve got a problem with the “snake-like humps”. Do snakes have humps? I don’t think they do. I think they’re very thin, smooth and snake-like.
We’d better leave it at that. If we go any further, someone’s going to get the hump.
as if!