Spot the missing word competition (No 2)

THE Daily Express is running a competition. All that’s required is a word or phrase slotting into the headline to render it intelligible. Below are some suggestions to get you going:

Between a rock and a hard face

THE Daily Mail’s Science and Technology section brings us news that a rocky hill on Mars shaped like a human face is actually . . . er, a rocky hill shaped like a human face.

Apparently, a photograph taken by the Viking 1 Orbiter in 1976 appeared to show a hill “in the shape of a human face on the dusty surface of Mars”, spawning thousands of conspiracy theories. Now the Mail can reveal:

Telegraph gets teeth into a story

HE was famous for saying, among lots of other things, it is always better to jaw jaw than to war war. Now part of Winston Churchill’s jaw jaw – his hand-crafted upper set apparently – is to be auctioned

Marching as to one man’s war

AN interesting use of the English language and interpretation of historical events in the Daily Express . . .

Cats, power, and the Taxpayers’ Alliance

ACCORDING to that fount of all knowledge the Daily Express, cats can predict earthquakes, sense illness, and “know what you’re thinking”. The rather unnerving introduction to this article goes like this: “Now a spiritualist tells the extraordinary truth about Britain’s favourite pets.” Because I’m not qualified to comment on “the extraordinary truth”, I’ll hand you over to my cat, General Mola, who is qualified . . .

It’s not easy counting fat dogs

NUMBERS are straightforward things and pretty damned accurate – until they are handled by the British press. But when it comes to how many fat dogs are roaming the country’s streets, there are bound to be different figures banded about . . . Except when the figures have been supplied by one particular pet charity and most of the papers have received them through the Press Association. In that instance, any normal person would expect the figures to remain roughly the same. Wouldn’t they . . ?

Rain or shine, experts or duffers

DON’T allow this picture to fool you. Do not be lulled into a false sense of security by promises of summer weather. These two sunbathers might well be lying on a sun-kissed beach – but the beach is in Express-shire. In one optimistic breath the Daily Express tells us:

Right round the houses (No 3)

AFTER another hard week at the scrawl face, we take a glance through the papers to see what gems of wit and enlightenment our columnists have thoughtfully showered upon us . . . 

Where the wind blows

TAKING a stroll along the leafy though unsettled byways of Maildom, we stumble upon a story about a rich businessman who wakes one morning, draws back the curtains of his £1.2m home, and discovers every Daily Mail reader’s worst nightmare – a wind generator at the bottom of the garden . . .

Cursed are the meat-eaters

IT must be a hard and an unrewarding life being a publicity officer for a major sausage company. Look at the Daily Express today, for instance . . .